Head Over Heels Literal Version

The TRUE Story Behind "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!"

From Jabootu.com:

"IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN - (USA)

The best of television's Halloween shows, perhaps the best holiday special period. Do I even need to describe the action? The Peanuts go trick-or-treating, and Charlie Brown ends up collecting a great big collection of -- all together now -- rocks. Later there's a Halloween Party where Lucy, Violet and Patty (not Peppermint Patty, the original one) draw graffiti on Charlie Brown's head. Snoopy, suffering from a bout of Post Traumatic Combat Syndrome, has a flashback to the War. Linus awaits the coming of the Great Pumpkin in his sincere pumpkin patch. Then he makes a fatal grammatical error, ruining his chances for visitation by his pagan god. Sally misses "tricks and treats" and gets pissed off at Linus, predating themes of 1991's Thelma and Louise by over two decades. Linus vows greater fealty to his vegetable deity the next year. All this is baby boom folklore. However, few people remember, or were ever aware, that the special was originally telecast as a late-night, full-length animated horror movie. It seems that Peanuts creator Charles Schulz was a closet Hershall G. "Blood Feast" Lewis fan. With the help of macabre cartoonist Charles "Addams Family" Addams, Schulz wrote the screenplay as an homage to Lewis, using the Peanuts characters. CBS was horrified by the violent and graphic scenario, but was also frightened of losing the rights to broadcast the other lucrative Peanuts specials. They agreed to a one-time showing of Schulz's concept, and promised to run it as a yearly prime time special, as were the other Peanut cartoons, providing the telecast did not provoke any "unusual outcry from the public." Schulz, apparently much overestimating the black humor capacity of his fans, agreed, and even offered to allow CBS to recut the cartoon in accordance with the other Peanuts specials if the feared reaction occurred. Did it ever. CBS, who had discretion of the time slot, ran the show unpublicized at midnight on Tuesday, October 30th. Though an incredibly small amount of viewers saw the show, fully titled It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown...Worship It Before It Destroys You, the viewer reaction was overwhelmingly negative and virulent.. This prompted Schulz to vow never to stray from the traditional focus of the Peanuts again. The public reaction was so negative, in fact, that in spite of the fact that not more than a couple of thousand people nationwide were estimated to have even seen the program, CBS still almost chose not to re-edit it and rebroadcast it as the show we all know and grew up with. The storyline of the show was amazingly prophetic in terms of the plot structure used in most splatter films of the 1980's, though perhaps this is less surprising when you consider that bootleg copies of the original script are floating around film schools and the like to this day. The first portion of the show pretty much follows the cartoon we know and love. The major split occurs during the party scene at Violet's. Charlie Brown's name gets on the 'invite' list by mistake, and so Lucy and Violet decide to make Charlie Brown the butt of one of their cruel jokes. First, as in the subsequent version, Lucy and Violet 'model' a Jack O'Lantern on Charlie Brown's head, using a wax pencil. This is where the two versions part ways. In It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown...Worship It Before It Destroys You, Charlie Brown is then led to the apple-bobbing tub. This is supposed to be spiked with a chemical that will turn his entire head orange, except for the black Jack O'Lantern marks on the back of his head. However, after forcing Charlie Brown to bob for the apples, and then dunking his head deep in the tub, Charlie Brown rises screaming from the contaminated water with horrible smoking scars and the flesh melting from his face. He runs to a window and, mad with pain, smashes through it into the night. It turns out that acid had mistakenly been added to the water instead of orange dye. After a search by the Peanuts gang fails to turn up any sign of Charlie Brown, Lucy calls them together. Yelling "I'm not going to prison for that blockhead, Charlie Brown," Lucy swears the others to silence. A few protest, but Lucy gives them "five good reasons" not to go to the police. After Charlie Brown fails to make an appearance in the next few days, it is concluded that, frenzied from his agony, he jumped into the river, where he drowned and his body was carried out to the ocean. The action then switches to the next year, again Halloween night. At this year's party the various Peanuts are one by one attacked by an enshrouded assailant (whose sheet features a bunch of "eye holes" cut out, like Charlie Brown's ghost costume from the previous year) and killed in the types of horrible manners that teens in the ‘80s were to become all too accustomed to. Violet has a machete smashed into her face. Pigpen is garroted. Sherman is pinned to a tree with a pitchfork. Patty is stabbed with a butcher knife after finding Pigpen's head in the refrigerator. All the deaths were surprisingly gruesome, though Schulz's script provided just enough dark humor to make them watchable - the best bit had Freida scalped alive after more of her interminable preening and boasting about her "naturally curly hair." Then after she's scalped, her brains were scooped out, in a macabre reenactment of the show's opening scene (which remains in the regular version) where Linus watches in horror as Lucy "kills" the pumpkin he brought home from the pumpkin patch. Finally, only Schroeder, Lucy and Sally are left, hiding in the party room with Schroeder’s piano, where the whole thing started. Sally is a complete basket case, crying and screaming the "Big Brother is coming to get us, he'll kill us all!" Lucy agrees that Charlie Brown is the culprit, but insists that "no blockhead like Charlie Brown will get Lucy Van Pelt!" However, Schroeder has a confession to make (told in flashback). Last Halloween, when the gang was searching the woods for Charlie Brown, Schroeder found his horribly disfigured corpse and dragged it down to the river and disposed of the body. The killer isn't Charlie Brown after all! Just as Lucy remarks that "I knew Charlie Brown was too much of a blockhead to kill everyone like that," they notice that the crazed-with-fear Sally, having heard her name whispered, is unlocking the door to the room, crying that "Big Brother won't hurt me!" Schroeder and Lucy yell, but it's too late as a sword penetrates Sally's torso. As the killer stands looking down at Sally's dead body, Schroeder grabs his piano stool and smashes the maniac in the back of the head. As he totters, the hood falls from his bloodied head, revealing the face of Linus! Though horrified, Schroeder prepares to bludgeon the prostrate Linus before he can recover. However, just as he's raised the stool for the death blow, he's strangled from behind by Lucy with one of his spare piano wires. Lucy explains to Schroeder’s dead body that she knew the murderer was Linus all along, but that nobody was going to hurt her little brother. Particularly someone "who didn't buy a pretty girl a present on Beethoven's stupid birthday." Linus had killed them all because he believed that the Great Pumpkin would never appear while so many "heathens" were around. Lucy calls the police, pretending to be hysterical, and blames the killings on Schroeder. She then drags her out-of-it brother home and puts him to bed, another scene that remains in the present show. The last scene shows Linus leaning on a stone fence, talking to a decayed apparition of Charlie Brown, predicting that "next year, I'll get them all, and the Great Pumpkin will appear unto me, and reward his faithful one!" One assumes this is supposed to be a dream, at least the living corpse of Charlie Brown part. Strong stuff. Though only shown once, and then destroyed, filmmakers from John Carpenter to Sean Cunningham to John Landis have cited this as a inspiration for their later work."

Bush recognizes the zombie threat!

Zombie Plush Attack!

Take on Me: Literal Translation

Hurricane Ike

Yeah, you wish.

When Balloons Attack!

My first and last political post

I've decided I'm no longer going to watch the cable news networks. It's just too depressing. All these "talking heads" do is snipe at each other.

Here's the thing...people disagree. And that's OK. Just because person A doesn't agree with person B does not make person A the anti-christ. But if person A is on CNN and person B is on Fox News (or MSNBC...take your pick)...whoah to person A for having different beliefs from person B!

Just report on the issues guys. What does Obama stand for on issue 1? What does McCain stand for on issue 2?

Look, as far as the candidates go, I think all 4 people are basically smart, decent people. What it's going to come down to for me is what issues are most important to me...what do I believe in. What issues, when they come up, hit me in my gut. Is it gun control? Abortion? The Economy? Foreign Policy? I have specific opinions on these topics and will vote for the candidate who I feel will support what's important to me.

Does that make me a bad person? No. Does that make the people who have different opinions from me on these issues bad people? OF COURSE NOT!

I really wish the US AGAINST THEM mentality would go away. One person is going to win this election. That doesn't mean the other side can't then debate or veto or vote for what's important to them.

In the end, to get anything done, compromise and civility have to take place. The majority of the media...who like to label EVERYTHING...don't seem to realize that. They seem to actively fight against it. In other words, they like to stir up shit for the sake of seeing it fly.

Realistically, I don't think things will change.

But just remember...while you're thinking the other side is EVIL, they're thinking you're EVIL...but the truth is neither one of you is EVIL...you just disagree.


And that's OK!

Never too early for Halloween

Little Nostalgia for you all...

McCain picks Palin as VP nominee

McCain picks Palin as VP nominee.

Ok, so it's not that Palin.

But wouldn't it be cool if it was?

Working Class British Brothers: Star Wars Edition

Ode To Joy

Groverfield (Cloverfield Parody)

Ode To Joy

Groverfield (Cloverfield Parody)

Habanera

Ode To Joy

Working Class Rebellion

Stars and Stripes and Sam the Eagle!

more beaker

Habenara

Ode to Meep!

Journey At The Center Of The Earth

Unfurl -Padme/Anakin ROTS Star Wars Video

Elevator - Jedi Jacob

Leia - The Guys Who Leave - Star Wars Music Video

Cause I'm a Blonde: Willie Scott - Indiana Jones Music Video

MST3K Jet Jaguar song!

McCain of the Lost Ark Colbert/McCain Green Screen Challenge

not made by me

Better Days - Indy/Marion - Indiana Jones Music Video

Make McCain Exciting Green Screen Challenge: Jaws Edition

Colbert McCain Green Screen Challenge: Muppet Show McCain

"They Mean To Win Wimbledon!"

I hate golf. Golf is boring. I mean...hitting a little white ball on all that green? Blah.

So why do I love Wimbledon?

-It's the only major sporting tournament to have a Monty Python Episode devoted to it.

- English people yelling - comedy gold!

- To see what monstrosity a female player will try to pass off as a "fashionable" tennis outfit.

- Advantage MacEnCrow!

- Because if Agatha Christie novels and Murder, She Wrote episodes have taught me anything, the odds favor that one of the players is a murderer! It's always a tennis pro.

Colbert McCain Green Screen- In Space No One Can Hear McCain

Cable News Ramblings...

I'm off this summer and there's nothing on tv in the afternoon. So I usually turn on the "white noise" of the cable news channels (CNN, MSNBC, FOX, HEADLINE NEWS, etc.) These are some observations:

6/18/08
1:15pm
Is That Really Your Name:
Someone on FOX is named Harris Faulkner.

Anchor (in response to flooding): "Woo, sure is crazy!" Yes, natural disasters bring the wackiness!

Reporter: "Sue is a lifelong resident...which I'm told means she's lived here forever."

I swear I saw this same anchor an hour ago but with blond hair.


5:30pm
Laura Ingram's hair looks like she just got out of the shower - conditioner is your friend Laura!

Negotiations with Quint

Star Wars Ewok Gospel

40's Style Trailer for Raiders of the Lost Ark

Marion Ravenwood Tribute

So Contagious

Is There a Polar Bear? No? THEN I DON"T CARE!

Nightmare at 60,000 Feet

Leeroy Jenkins as Han Solo

David Caruso in Indiana Jones: the Last Crusade

Marion - Indiana Jones Music Vid

Big Time - Vader/Anakin Star Wars Music video

Money Honey - Han Leia Star Wars Vid

Jaws Theme Song

Everyone's A Little Bit Racist

A tribute to Revenge of the Sith

Coming Around Again - Star Wars Music Vid

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

Casino Royale Trailer Starring John Cusack

It Sucks To Be LOST

Star Wars Batman mixed fun trailer

Star Wars Music Video - Mah Na Mah Na

Star Wars Odd Couple (Credits Parody)

"Hey, you got Police in my Snow Patrol!" "Well, you got Snow Patrol in my Police!"

Because I was bored and sick the past couple of days, I searched youtube for funny mash-up movie trailers (like someone editing The Shining trailer - changing it so that it seems like it's a romantic comedy). While doing so I found that alot of people had done mash-ups with songs. Some sucked, but some were interesting and a few were pretty good. I posted some ones that were cool.

Mash-Up: Billy Idol vs Pink - Pink Wedding

Green Day vs. Kelly Clarkson

Tone Loc Vs. Yes Vs. Kylie Minogue (Mashup)

Nelly Furtado Vs Mika - Say It Relaxed

Madonna vs Human League

Justin Timberlake vs Corey Hart - sexyback sunglasses mashup

Snow Patrol vs. The Police (Partyben mash-up)

Super Friends

Odd Couple Mashup Trailer

Turner Classic Movies promo for classic "Odd Co... (more)
Added: February 02, 2007
Turner Classic Movies promo for classic "Odd Couple" movie, casting the movie as a twisted modern thriller.

Can We Still Be Friends?- Anakin/Padme/Obi-Wan Star Wars Vid

Jaws 3 pt.2

In which we introduce our cast and be sort of mean to Lea Thompson...

Ok, let’s tackle the credits.

Since I’m watching this movie in regular old 2-D, the “red superman” style credits as I call them, seem a little odd. I do appreciate the loud “CHOMP!” sound that accompanies the Jaws 3 title card. So I expect there will be lots of chomping in this movie right?

Our illustrious cast. Dennis Quaid as Mike Brody – who has apparently grown up to be an engineer. Who has chosen to work at a theme park dedicated to fish. Despite having had traumatic experiences with sharks in the past. Methinks Mike never really thought this thing through.

Well, don’t worry Dennis, you’ll go on to better things. Hey, you got to hook up with Lea Thompson when it meant something.

Random Factoid: Hooking Up with Lea Thompson never really meant anything – it may have meant a little something during the Back to the Future movies, although it did go into negative numbers (less than anything) after Howard The Duck before evening up to not meaning anything again with Caroline In The City. I think she’s doing Lifetime movies now. Hey, we’ve covered Lea Thompson. Cool! She plays a water-skier on this movie. A professional water-skier at a theme park called Kelly Ann Bukowski who likes to hang around in bars challenging red necks to obscure “games of balance”.

Because if you’re a professional water-skier, you aim high!


Anyways, back to the cast. We have Bess Armstrong who plays Mike’s girlfriend, Kay Kathy Katherine Morgan. Seriously, at different points in the movie she gets called each of these names – pick a nickname and stick with it lady! Katherine is the senior biologist at Sea World. She likes fish. She likes fish so much she’d rather capture a great white who has perhaps killed a Sea World employee rather than kill it. Wonder what that display will look like –

Come see the great white shark!

He killed Ed!

Now go see the alligator who bit off Todd’s arm!

Simon McCorkindale as Philip Fitzroyce, the great white great white hunter. Simon is awesome just because he played “Manimal” (ok, his character's name was "Dr. Jonathan Chase" if you want to get specific) in the short lived TV series “Manimal”:

I fear for her hair.

"Dr. Jonathan Chase... wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa's deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father's legacy and the world's darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man... Manimal!"

Manimal.


Awesome!


P.H. Moriarty and John Putch. One of them plays Sean. One of them plays the assistant to Manimal and says "guv'ner" alot. I’m too lazy too look up which is which.

It really doesn’t matter.

Random Factoid: The one who played Sean went on to play (under heavy make-up) the alien who slightly beats Wesley on the Star Fleet entrance exam in Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation. And that’s one to grow on!


Louis Gossett Jr. As Calvin Bouchard…the best part of this movie!!! Has terrific, scene chewing lines – “You talking about some damn shark’s mutha!?!?”

Brilliant!

See, I knew there’d be chomping in this movie!

Random Factoid: To promote Jaws 3, Mr. Gossett hosted a syndicated television program about the making of the movie called, I kid you not, "The Making of Jaws 3-D: Sharks Don't Die". To quote IMDB.com:

Academy Award winner Lou Gossett Jr. takes you underwater on the trail of the great white one and behind the scenes of the latest JAWS movie. Don't miss this television special which unleashes a whole new dimension of thrills - The Making of JAWS 3-D... Sharks Don't Die.

Get it? A whole new dimension? Cause it's 3-D! Ha!

Oh, and promo people? It's not that the sharks in Jaws don't die, it's just that new ones keep showing up!

"Sharks Don't Die"....huh, wonder if that's related to Zombie Fish from part 1.

What else? Well, some guy whose not John Williams does the music. Some people who are not Peter Benchley wrote the script. And some guy whose not Steven Spielberg directed it.

Random Factoid: The script was written by Carl Gottleib and Richard Matheson. I hope its not the same Richard Matheson who wrote the books Somewhere in Time and I Am Legend, a bunch of creepy Twilight Zone episodes and a ton of cool short stories. But it probably is...hey, everyone gets one, ok? Or it could have gone something like this...

Carl: So let's write this thing!

Richard: Okay, well...I think...

Carl: Let's set it at Sea World and we'll make the shark freakishly, unreasonably huge!

That's scary, right?

Richard:

Carl: Right?

Carl Gottleib wrote the original Jaws screenplay with Peter Benchley. Maybe Carl wanted a beach house in the 1980's...

Random Factoid: Joe Alves, this film's director, was the production designer for the original Jaws and Jaws 2. Jaws 3 is his only directing credit.

Next part: Hey, there's water-skiing and a shark and more water-skiing. And why Lea Thompson should never be the top of a water skiing pyramid...I promise, I know you're dying to know!

Other Side of the World - Anakin/Padme Star Wars Vid

Superman - 18th Floor Balcony

The Waldo Ultimatum

The Waldo Ultimatum

Lost (Opening) - Buffy Style

He's A Lover, Not A Fighter

Garfield minus Garfield

From the site:

"Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb."

Cheap Version of Star Wars

Still better than Phantom Menace.

Don't Stand So Close To Me - a Buffy / Giles fan video

Memory Anya Giles

Jenny and Giles tribute video

Giles, The Watcher

Star Wars music video: Wonderboy

Sharp Dressed Man - Sayid (Lost Vid)

Jaws 3 review pt.1

I have always wanted to write a bad movie review. “Always” being short for “since I read some on Jabootu.com and agonybooth.com.” But what movie…

Battlefield Earth? Nah, too painful. Sgt.Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band? Hmmm…maybe when I’m feeling more ambitious.

Random Factoid: Sgt. Pepper’s is a movie so bad, so unbelievable that years after seeing if on TV I wondered if I had in fact imagined it. “A movie with the Bee-Gees, Peter Frampton, and Steve Martin singing Beatles’ songs? Surely that was a fever dream!”


No, I decided to go with a movie that, I’m embarrassed to say, I know by heart. A movie that, whenever it comes on cable, I stop and watch. A movie I have a certain childhood nostalgia for. I give you….


Jaws 3

Ok, originally it was Jaws 3-D, but that was a loooong time ago and my DVD did not come with 3-D glasses, so…bummer.

Random Factoid: Jaws 3 came out in 1983 so I would have been about 7. I remember going to Sea World Orlando at that time and seeing that the park, where some of the movie was filmed, had proudly displayed some props from the movie. I’m guessing this was before the movie came out and before any of the suits saw the movie.

I’m going to do this review in parts…small sections of the movie so that I can give each frame the amount of loving scrutiny it deserves.

So…


DVD chapter 1:

We open under the ocean (In a Jaws movie? I know!) Happy little fish swimming around – oh look, I think I see Nemo! We zoom in to what could be a grouper. Or a catfish. Nah, I think it’s a grouper…whatever, a fish, ok?

Nice little fish who maybe could be my entrée some day. But, alas, no, for we hear a loud crunch and what once was a fish is now merely a fish head (eat them up, yum!) What’s more, the fish head, though deceased, is slowly rotating in a cloud of blood…opening and closing its mouth! Undead Zombie Fish!

Undead Zombie Fish might have been a better movie, actually…

Ok, a couple of things about this scene. I understand opening the movie with “a scare” might seem like a good idea, but is a shark (a 35ft. great white we come to find out later) really going to take the time to bite off only 3/4ths of a fish? Does it just not like fish heads like I just don’t like the stem of broccoli (flowery part is acceptable, stem is gross!) And is a floating 3-D fish head really scary? Did the audience say, “Well, I don’t know. It’s on the third sequel and how many times can they FLOATING 3-D FISH HEAD! AHHHHHHHH!!!!! MY HEART!”

Plus, although some of this scene is accompanied by Jaws theme, there is a distinct music clue that sounds like…umm, how to describe it? I guess it sounded most like:

HEE HAWWWW HE HAW HEE HAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!
Sigh

Tbc…next, our stellar cast and why you should never put Lea Thompson on the top of a pyramid.

Looking For Group: Slaughter Your World

Star Wars Vs. Saul Bass Remastered Edition

Star Wars vs. Saul Bass

All The Men In Her Life Keep Getting Killed

When The Stars Go Blue

Funniest Clip Ever!

Always Look on the Light Side of the Force

Kate\Sayid - Bleeding love

Songbird - Shayid Shannon/ Sayid Lost Vid

Star Wars according to a 3 year old.

No Country For Old Men Creeper Remix

LOST: Shannon/Sayid - Collide

You Found Me

Let Love In - A Clayid Movie Trailer

Indiana Jones - Nobody Does it Better

Till Death Do Us Part - Anakin Padme Star Wars Vid

Roy Scheider 1932-2008

Au Revoir, Chief Brody. RIP

You Tube Vid: "Mother, Mother"

s

Despite The Honor, He's Still Not A Merry Man

Menage A AWESOME!!!!

It all came to a head last night!

On Like Donkey Kong!

LOST Parody #1 - Star Wars

Is She Really Going Out With Him? - Star Wars Obidala Vid

Defying Gravity - Superman Video

Clas of the Titans pt2

Popular - Lois/Clark Vid (Superman the movie)

Losticil

Facebook Off

Minesweeper: The Movie

Internet Commenter Business Meeting

Internet Commenter Business Meeting 2

Brohemian Rhapsody

24: The Unaired 1994 Pilot

BoHeman Rhapsody

Great Beyond - Superman Vid

Larger Than Life - Superman/Lois Video

Drunk History vol. 1 - Featuring Michael Cera

The Negotiating Table

All Alderaanian Girl - Leia and Jaina Star Wars Vid

IT'S A TRAP

little kitty, big meow

It's oh so Cute! Cats of YouTube Music Video

Is Tom Cruise a Sith Lord? - Ask Palpatine #5

In A Manner of Speaking - Anakin/Padme/Obi-Wan Star Wars Vid

Dolphin play bubble rings

Another "Tom Cruise" parody vid

Gorgeous - Han/Leia and Anakin/Padme Star Wars Vid

Halloween: Lloyd's Revenge -- Fake Movie Trailer

I Love A Good Fake Fued

Personally, I take Colbert's side. The Bump is a scientific phenomena!

AM I GONNA GET SUED NOW??? (IN ENGLAND!)

Tom Cruise - The Scientology Interview (and the Interview REMIX!!!)

sorry about the spacing below - my computer was obviously corrupted by thetans

Let's Deconstruct This, Shall We?

Cruise: I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it is something that you have to earn, (darn...and I went for that degree in education) and…because a Scientologist does. He, or she has the ability to create new and better realities (like on a holodeck? The Enterprise was full of Scientologists! GASP!) and improve conditions. Uh, being a Scientologist, you look at somebody and you know absolutely that you can help them(You can look at me and instantly know I need money? COOL! Thanks a bunch Tom!).

So, for me, it really is KSW(KEEP SHATNER WORKING?!?!), and it’s just like, it’s something that, uh, I don’t mince words with that(He does mince specific nouns, though). You know, with anything , but that policy to me has really has gone , boy, there’s a time I went through and I said, “You know what…” (What? WHAT? I can't know if you don't tell me!!!) When I read it, I just went "POOF! This is it. That’s exactly it. (unless you start saying what 'it' really is, I'm going to assume you're talking about the creepy clown from that Stephen King novel, OK?)"

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it’s not like anyone else(you do not slow down and look - wow, a positive thing bout scientology...it keeps the traffic moving!). As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one that can really help (you are Obi-Wan Kenobi).

That’s…that’s what drives me, is that I know we have an opportunity, and uh, to really help for the first time effectively change people’s lives, and uh, I’m dedicated to that. I’m gonna, I’m absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that (except for movies...and ummmm, Katie....and that baby, what'shername...uh, Sushi?).

Org are there to help, okay, but we as the public, we have a responsibility. It’s not just the Orgs, it’s not just David Miscavige, you know, it’s not just me. It’s you(me?), it’s everyone out there, kinds re-reading KSW and looking at what needs to be done and saying, “Okay! Am I going to do it or am I not going to do it?” Period. (soooo....we all have to KEEP SHATNER WORKING and have sex with the scary clown?) Am I going to look at that guy or am I too afraid because I have my own out-ethics, put in someone else’s ethics. That’s all it comes down to(I don't know if ethics and out-ethics are always convertible...you might need an adapter. TO THE HARDWARE STORE!).

And I won’t hesitate to put ethics in someone else, because I put it ruthlessly in myself(I could put a sexual reference here, but I won't, cause....A.I'm not that kind of girl...and B. I'm too confused). And I think that I…uh…I respect that, you know, in others(Them putting your ethics in their bodies??? Great, more 'Mission Impossible' sequels). And, you know, I’m there to help, and we’re here to help, and my opinion is is that, look, either you’re on board or you’re not on board(that doesn't seem very helpful). Okay, it’s just, if you’re on board, you’re on board just like the rest of us. Period(I think you're confusing "helpfulness" with "inflexibility").

We are the authorities in getting people off drugs. (Are you sure you don't need some?)We are the authorities on the mind(Do not adjust your television set. We control the vertical. We control the horizontal). We are the authorities on improving conditions. CRIMINON, we can rehabilitate criminals(Dear Judge, Please do not send me to jail for burglary. Please send me to the scientologists. That's the only way I'll change. Honest). Way to happiness, we can bring peace and unite cultures(and you've done a great job so far! Hats off to you sir!), uh, that once you know these tools and you know that they work, it’s not good enough that I’m just OK. Traveling around the world and meeting the people that I’ve met. Talking with these leaders in various fields(What fields? Oh, they're various...don't doubt they're variousity!!!), they want help, and they are depending on people who know, and who can be effective and do it, and that’s us, that is our responsibility to do that(It? That? WHAT????).

It is the time now. Now is the time, okay? (Soooo....it's later, right? No? Wait, it's RIGHT NOW!!! Oh shit, I didn't get a card and I forgot the balloons!) It is, being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it(If they turned to you, wouldn't you know it?). You better know it(Geez, OK!), and if you don’t(NO SOUP FOR YOU!), you know, go learn it(Recognizing the complex signs of people-turners and how to know it and when to know it - OH YOU BETTER KNOW IT! - by Tom Cruise). (Laughs) You know?('face palm')

But don’t pretend you know it (that's our job)and, or whatever. It’s like, we’re here to help (It's, like, whatever, like, ya know? Like? Ok, cool).

If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, you see things the way that they are(and thetans...loooooots of thetans). In all its glory, you know, all of its complexity(and volcanoes). Uh, the more you know as a Scientologist, you don’t become overwhelmed by it(You just have lots of it...if the "it" is money).

(Laughs) And uh, they said, “So, have you met an SP” (SHATNER PROBLEM)(big laugh) (Thank you)I looked at them and I thought, “What a beautiful thing,” because maybe one day it will be like that, you know? You know what I’m saying. Maybe one day it will be that “Wow, SP, they just read about those in the history books.”("The Shatner Problem had been solved...nations rejoiced together in song) You know?(Oh, I do)

I just got through that tech, and it’s literally…it’s not how to run from an SP(although, nowadays, running from Shatner is easy). It’s how to shatter suppression, confront and shatter suppression. You apply it, and it’s like, boom(well more like "shatter", because "boom" would indicate an explosion and "shatter" is more like...well, I don't know an onomatopoeia for "shatter". "Crash" is close, but...).

Because, they don’t come up to be and do that. They don’t do it to me. Not to my face(just behind my back), or anywhere in my vicinity (fact: Tom Cruise's back is NOWHERE NEAR HIM!)where they feel they can confronted, you know. They just don’t do it(Wait, weren't we supposed to do "it"? I'm confused...better scroll up. Nope, didn't help.).

I wish the world was a different place (I wish there was no Germany). I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that(what about "frolic"? You got something about frolicking?). You know what I mean? (Not an iota)I mean, that’s what I want it to be. That’s how, there’s times I want to do that but I can’t because I know.(Leia: I love you. Han:) I know. So, you know I have to do something about it. It’s not, you know you can sit here wish it was different and then you look at it and you go “Okay, this is it.” You know, I have to do something, don’t I? I have to do it, because I can’t live with myself if I don’t. That really is it.

(OK, let me see if I can speak "Cruise", since it's obviously a different language. Ahem....'I can do it, because I can't not do it. It must be done. If it is not done, it is not done and you go, OK, I didn't do it. So I do it.' TA-DA!)

I don’t care if someone thinks it’s hard or easy. You’re either helping and contributing everything you can or you’re not, okay? Because I’m carrying my load, okay?(We can see that...and what a load it is) And as much as I’m carrying(and he's carrying a TON!), I still feel like I have to do more. Alright? There is still a thing of, let’s go(Mission Impossible 4: The Letsing Going).

You can just see the look in their eyes, you know the ones that are doing it and you know the spectators, the ones who are going, “Well, it’s easy for you” or “What am I doing” and it’s just, that thing is, I’ve canceled that in my area (laughs)(No more Cinemax for me!) It’s like, man, you’re either in or you’re out(Scientology is like high school...who knew?). That’s spectatorism, and it’s something that we have no time for right now(maybe later...after coffee).

So, it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality(Recruit the computer nerds!!!). We have that responsibility to say, “Hey, this is the way it should be done, because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.” (It = TBA)

And let’s get it done. Let’s really get it done. Have enough love, compassion, and toughness that you’re going to do it and, uh, do it right.

And I have to tell you something. (NO? REALLY?)I really, it is, it’s rough and tumble. It’s wild and wooly. It’s a blast. It’s a blast. It really is fun(Scientology=Space Mountain), because damn it there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see things are better(sings: "I can see clearly now, the psychiatrists are gone!").

I want to know that I’ve can do everything I could everyday and I think about those people out there who depending on us("when you absolutely, positively have to fight Xenu right now!"). And I think about that. And it does make me feel like, (laughs) we’ve got more work. I need more help(We can all agree on the "you needing help" part). Get those spectators(GET 'EM!!!)—you’re in the playing field or out of the arena(what about a stadium? is that the same as an arena? how about a theater? a civic center?). (Laughs) You know, really, that’s how I feel about it.

I do what I can and I do it the way I do everything (with a heaping spoonful of crazy)(laughs). There’s nothing part of the way for me (laughs). (I AM EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME!)

Announcer: A Scientologist can be defined by a single question(Will people believe the crap I say?): Would you want others to achieve the knowledge you now have?(Tom's Knowledge: "Never F**K WITH SPEILBERG"). In answering that question(Did he answer the question? Was the answer "It" or "What" or "Do" or "I 'HEART' KATIE HOLMES'???), Tom Cruise has introduced LRH technology to over one billion people on earth(He has given Satellite TV to Bedouins and Gypsies), and that’s only the first wave he’s unleashed(Next year, they're gettin' HD). Which is why the story of Tom Cruise Scientologist has only just begun (to liiiiiive, white lace and prommmmmmiiiiiises. A kiss for luck and he's on hiiiiiis waaaaay).

Family Guy 300 Trailer

Simpsons 300 Trailer

The Simpsons Star Wars

Wow, Gee Mister! Really???

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ONE WHOLE CENT! WOW!!!!!

File This Under "Well, DUH!"

Clowns "universally disliked" by children

Celine Dion is F**kin' Amazing (or she has rabies...you decide)

Stephen Colbert and Paul Dinello

Colbert Dancin'!!!

High as F**K

Well, personally, no I haven't...but then again I'm a total square.