There are many good Christmas songs out there. There's the religious ("Hark the Herald Angels Sing!"), the classics ("Silver Bells", "White Christmas", "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"), the more modern ("Last Christmas", "Do They Know It's Christmas?", "Little Saint Nick", "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", "Jingle Bell Rock") and the Muppet ("Sesame Street Christmas Pagent", their versions of "Twelve Days of Christmas"...."Five Gooooooolden Rings (ba-dum-dum-dum)" ).
Then there are the "meh" songs...the songs you don't like, but don't hate either (I'm not very partial to "The First Noel" myself). Exempt from this category are all holiday songs sung by Andy Williams ("Most Wonderful Time of the Year"? It is when Andy sings it! Sung by anybody else...meh)
And then there is the horror of "The Christmas Shoes" *shudder*
The schmatzy, sickly, so sweet it could cause diabetics major problems mess of a song.
But why? Why is this song so hated? Let us explore this mystery line by line.
Abandon all hope, yee who enter here:
It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two
(eh, starts off OK enough...heck we've all been there...stuck in line, sick of the crowds)
I'm really in the Christmas mood
(and this is when we start to realize our narrator may be insane. He stuck in a line, braving the hell of last minute Christmas shopping and he's in a good mood!? Sleigh Bells, Tinsel, Lights, Carols...these do nothing for him, but standing in line...boy, that's just jolly for him! idiot)
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do
(little boys do not pace. Business men in grey suits trying to close that deal pace. Little boys in shopping malls run around like crazy)
And in his hands he held
(a Nintendo Wii?)
A pair of shoes
(oh)
And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
(oh, why don't you go ahead and pile it on now. Give him a limp and a cane and a cockney accent and end every sentence with "God bless us everyone" AND name him Tim already)
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say
("I'll put it on my Visa Platinum")
Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.
(And it begins...OK, where to start? First of all, sorry about your Mom, kid. Tough break. But if she's on death's doorstep, then why are you wasting your time in a mall?!? How about, I don't know, spending some time with her instead? Imagine the scene later: "Where's Mom?" "I'm sorry Timmy, she dies when you were out...buying shoes! Too bad Tim, but hey - nice shoes!"
And the there's Dad. Where is he? Why did he send Timmy to buy the shoes? Does Timmy have better fashion sense?
And the kid "want's her to look beautiful for Jesus tonight". Hey kid, I don't know what yoy learned in Sunday School, but I don't think Jesus really cares what kind of shoes she has on. It seems more like you do and kid, I think Vanity is a sin, hmmm?)
They counted pennies for what seem like years
(and this is where the customers behind him in line start the revolt)
And cashier says son there's not enough here
("Too bad too, son. Just one penny short! But hey, them's the breaks")
He searches is pockets frantically
("There must be 500 more pennies hiding in here somewhere! Why, oh Why did I not dig through the couch!")
And he turned and he looked at me
(and thought, "Thanks god...it's the guy who sang 'Butterfly Kisses'! He'll be an easy mark for a sob story!")
And he said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Most years she just did without
(without what? And don't tell me shoes or I will shove those pennies up your...)
Tell me Sir
What am I gonna do?
Some how I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes
(fundraiser? shoplifting? taking an at-home cobbler course?)
So I layed the money down
(of course you did)
I just had to help him out
("Double or nothing kid? What do you say? Blackjack? Poker? What's your game? How much did you risk - all of it? Oooooo, too bad. Better luck next time kid. And don't gamble.")
And I'll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Momma's gonna look so great
("Dead, but great! At the funeral they'll all say, 'Oh it's all so tragic - but look at those shoes!' ")
Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful,If Momma meets Jesus tonight.
(OK, second point of this chorus. Let's assume that since the kid loves his mother he bought her the most beautiful shoes in the store. Let's also assume that since Mom is close to death, she really isn't feeling 100%. Every woman knows that if a piece of clothing looks fabulous, it will feel Horrendous! "There is no beauty without pain" So now she feels like crap, her feet feel awful, but again - hey, looking good!)
I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out.
(The miracle of shopping! Hosanna in the highest!)
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
("Sir, a man has lost the true meaning of Christmas!" "Send him SHOE BOY!")
What Christmas is all about
(Ummm...buying shoes? No, it's buying impractical shoes instead of spending time with loved ones! That's it, isn't it? "I will buy your love with gifts....sorry about all the meetings that Daddy had to go to when he missed your dance recitals princess - Here's a pony! Why? Well, I hears this song on the radio about a boy and his mom and shoes...")
Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
(How many little boys know their mom's shoe sizes. Most young kids don't even know their whole addresses)
Could you hurry Sir?
("Yeah, I know you're doing me a huuuuge favor, but move it jerk!")
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight
I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight
(Finally, let's suppose that despite all the valiant "shoe-effort" thus far, Mom dies. As she ascends to Heaven, will her thoughts be..."Boy, I'll miss my husband and son but I look terrible! How can I go to heaven looking like this?!? If only that kid had come back with those shoes in time..."
The End
But unfortunately, it wasn't. This song inspired someone to write a book based on the song...and then a TV movie based on the book...and then a sequel to the TV Movie based on the book based on the song. Starring Rob Lowe. And, I'm assuming, some rockin' shoes.
1 comment:
Bravo! 5 stars!
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